Do it to Perfection?
I have spent so my years of my life trying to be perfect. I have learnt stuff, taken up hobbies just so that I can be “perfect”. I would practice it like my life depended on it, i would study supper hard and would cry if i felt like i wasnt good enough or working hard enough.I falsely assumed that I’d find self worth once I’ve mastered x and have done y, not forgetting Z. Fast forward to the present me. I’m thankful for all I have and what I have been blessed with, but a part of me still holds on to certain “trophies” and achievements because it makes me feel like I’m someone. I know it’s wrong but it’s so hard to let go of that mentality because it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s pride and a lot of other things. I never let it show because I don’t keep “it” so that I can boast. I hold on to it for self validation.
This “perfect” self image I have been trying to create for myself is certainly not fool proof. Deep down, I know I’m not perfect. I’m afraid of intimacy because it will shine it’s light into my life revealing all the imperfections that I know are already there but run from. I worry that once people get to know me and my imperfect self, they may leave. What I find amazing is that God can see and does see all of me and yet he chooses to love me. He doesn’t have to love me, it’s not an obligation but he loves me anyways. Why? Because he wants to, warts and all! I’d be crazy to let him go. I have searched for love and acceptance my entire life but love was staring me right in the face. Aaah God, you’re love amazes me. If everything and everyone were to leave me, I know you would remain and that I’d be okay. I’m going a bit off topic now. But God is setting me free and allowing me to be the perfectly imperfect being that I am. I don’t need to worry about anything because he loves me. I have been reading psalms 139 all week, sometimes even twice a day. It’s a reminder of God’s love for me. Crazy crazy love!!